I wanted to be a nurse. I've been working on the classes I needed to go to nursing school. I thought I did everything needed to get into nursing school, but somehow or other I overlooked something very important. I had a penaltly applied to my GPA because I had over the course of 18 years attempted ENC 1101 four times and this coupled with a 'C' in two pre requisite courses means I have a penalty against my GPA. Sure I passed ENC 1101 with an A when I finally completed the damn course, but this doesn't matter. I have a .6 penalty against my GPA and what that means is I will not get into nursing school because it drops my GPA below the minimum standard. I cannot appeal the penalty because to do so would be to negate the credits that transferred in, and I'd still be fucked.
I tried to make the best of it anyway. I cried, was depressed, but resolved to apply anyway. Surely, God wouldn't not let all my hard work go to waste. Maybe my desperate desire to get into nursing school would count for something in this universe and a miracle would happen. Sadly, no I was rejected and out $50 buck! I cried some more, and made an alternative plan. I'd apply to a school in another county. Sure it would be an hour's drive, and I'd be at a disadvantage because I lived out of county, but at this school I wouldn't have a GPA penalty. However, last week I got my letter that I had not made it. So, my dream, my goal, my focus for the last few years is gone. I do have a few options:
1. Retake two classes get A's and reapply. (without financial aid because of limits of how many credits you can have Financial Aid pay for in Community College)
2. Go to LPN school for 10 months, then apply to RN school as an LPN. LPN school forms classes one year in advance and you get in by a lottery system. So classes forming now will begin Aug 2008 if you can win the lottery that is.
3. Go to paramedic school. (1 year)Graduate. Go to EMT school for 1 yr, then graduate. Apply to RN program.
When do you quit and say enough? When do you get to the point that a dream is just that, a dream? I am 36 years old, with three kids and a husband. The three options I see, are not options I feel that I can consider. I feel crushed by the realization that hard work does not mean you will get what you want. I guess I learned that really late in life. I also didn't learn, that sometimes you can't trust what people tell you. You need to look, ask questions, and double check everything people tell you. (I mean this in reference to all the "Advisors" I met with, (over the course of three years!) while planning my courses, and not one of them mentioned this GPA penalty. )
Where am I now? I'm like I said crushed, but dragging along. I let myself cry long and hard for fifteen minutes. I cried for everything I had wanted, but was too afraid to ask for, I cried for having the courage to say out loud what I desired, only to have it smacked out of my hand, and I cried for daring to dream that I could finish something I wanted. Then I let myself be depressed for a few days. After exactly one week, I was back with my college catalog in hand, brainstorming what I would do. My plan B so to speak. I settled on education. It feels foreign to me, almost like an evil step child, but in all honesty I debated long and hard a few years back whether I would major in education or nursing. I can get excited about learning. I love school. I love learning,and I especially love reading. I hope I can pass that on to a few kids. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
Lost and Found
I'm a little surprised at how long it's been since I've last posted. I really shouldn't be, as I've been in a very dark, foggy place as of late. Instead of taking advantage of a great time in my life, (I'm able to stay home and I'm not in school) I just feel...lost. That's been true for most of my life. I have felt lost.
As a child, I felt that I didn't fit in. I always felt isolated, partly because of my parents, and partly because I'd been molested at the age of four. I buried those memories, and downplayed their affect on me. My teenage years were extremely emotional as I now know, I was crying out for help, but my parents didn't seek out the help that I needed.
As a young adult, I lived with the belief that I was not important. I wouldn't have told you that then, but I now know that is what I felt. All of my childhood experiences culminated in one very sad, lonely, and unloved young lady. Funny, how I can see it so clearly now 16 years later, but back then I thought I was fine. Of course I was. My twenties were very bumpy, with at least three bright spots, my kids! However, I still was filled with self doubt, repressed emotions, and feelings of worthlessness. Looking back I feel that I was asleep. I threw myself into being a "perfect mother". Of course this ideal could not be met, because I'd never known what a great mom was. I was denying all the pain inside of me, and pretending to be a stepford mom. All the while trying to smile to my family, and my husband. I never had any close friends, because if I let anyone get close, they would know the truth, that I was a fraud. Any little bump in the road was enought to dissolve me into outrage and tears. At times I felt angry and resentful coupled with guilt that I felt these emotions.
It's been very painful for me to realize all the mistakes I've made in my past. Wasting so much time, and energy to not face the fears inside of me. I also hate that there were opportunities I didn't seize. I feel that I've missed half my life to being afraid. Afraid of failing, of voicing my true opinion, of judging everything and everyone else. I've missed half my life, to letting another person's opinion rule my decisions. I'm done with that.
So, now I have realization. I know what I've done, mostly why I've done it, but where do I go from here? I've been toying with the idea to see a therapist, but I feel afraid to go. I'm still being pulled by the powerful voice in my head that tells me to get over it, and stop being a baby. I know that voice is dead wrong, but it still romances me, and seduces me into darkness. I feel if I do break through and see a therapist that a) I've failed and am weak b) I need to walk in there with a detailed plan of what I want to get over, and make it quick! I'm crazy! I know. I think the biggest obstacle to therapy is that I don't want to feel those emotions. I'm afraid that I will lose it in front of the therapist and reduce myself to a blubbering mess. I'm also afraid that once I start I won't be able to stop! I'm afraid of losing control.
I'm tired of being lost. I just want to be found.
As a child, I felt that I didn't fit in. I always felt isolated, partly because of my parents, and partly because I'd been molested at the age of four. I buried those memories, and downplayed their affect on me. My teenage years were extremely emotional as I now know, I was crying out for help, but my parents didn't seek out the help that I needed.
As a young adult, I lived with the belief that I was not important. I wouldn't have told you that then, but I now know that is what I felt. All of my childhood experiences culminated in one very sad, lonely, and unloved young lady. Funny, how I can see it so clearly now 16 years later, but back then I thought I was fine. Of course I was. My twenties were very bumpy, with at least three bright spots, my kids! However, I still was filled with self doubt, repressed emotions, and feelings of worthlessness. Looking back I feel that I was asleep. I threw myself into being a "perfect mother". Of course this ideal could not be met, because I'd never known what a great mom was. I was denying all the pain inside of me, and pretending to be a stepford mom. All the while trying to smile to my family, and my husband. I never had any close friends, because if I let anyone get close, they would know the truth, that I was a fraud. Any little bump in the road was enought to dissolve me into outrage and tears. At times I felt angry and resentful coupled with guilt that I felt these emotions.
It's been very painful for me to realize all the mistakes I've made in my past. Wasting so much time, and energy to not face the fears inside of me. I also hate that there were opportunities I didn't seize. I feel that I've missed half my life to being afraid. Afraid of failing, of voicing my true opinion, of judging everything and everyone else. I've missed half my life, to letting another person's opinion rule my decisions. I'm done with that.
So, now I have realization. I know what I've done, mostly why I've done it, but where do I go from here? I've been toying with the idea to see a therapist, but I feel afraid to go. I'm still being pulled by the powerful voice in my head that tells me to get over it, and stop being a baby. I know that voice is dead wrong, but it still romances me, and seduces me into darkness. I feel if I do break through and see a therapist that a) I've failed and am weak b) I need to walk in there with a detailed plan of what I want to get over, and make it quick! I'm crazy! I know. I think the biggest obstacle to therapy is that I don't want to feel those emotions. I'm afraid that I will lose it in front of the therapist and reduce myself to a blubbering mess. I'm also afraid that once I start I won't be able to stop! I'm afraid of losing control.
I'm tired of being lost. I just want to be found.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Continuation
As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been trying to lose weight. I started last (LAST) January. Some of the changes I made were: daily hour long walks, making sure I ate breakfast, drinking water instead of juice and giving up my beloved snack cakes. By March I had lost nothing, and my walking buddy had lost 8 pounds, later finding out she was pregnant! A little frustrating, but I made further changes. I began to eat more vegetables, whole wheat products instead of white and I began going to the gym daily. Still I did not lose any weight. Oh, sure two or three pounds would disappear, only to reappear in a few days.
In the spring, my grandparents came to visit. I felt a little embarrassed by what I looked like, but I brushed it off. During the course of their visit lots, and lots of pictures were taken. After they left, I got a chance to see them, what a shock! I was horrified to see what I looked like. I guess I was fooling myself that I really looked OK, but my face was puffy, my stomach (never a problem spot for me) was huge. You'd think I'd have a clue as my pants were very difficult to button, but I ignored all the clues. My resolve was stronger than ever that I was going to lose these extra 30 pounds. At just over 5 feet, 165 pounds is an uncomfortable weight to be.
After seeing himself in those same pictures my husband decided to join me in my quest to lose weight. We decided to follow the Body for Life program. He started going to the gym daily, and in the process lost 18 pounds over the course of two months. I, however, did not lose any weight. Frustration does not even begin to convey what I felt. I tend to be negative, and this challenge was feeding my negativity.
I continued going to the gym daily, and while I did feel my clothes fitting better, the scale did not reflect any weight loss at all. I gave up on Body for Life, but still continued to watch what I ate. Meaning no candy, cakes, cookies and no white wheat products. On Oprah I saw Dr Oz talking about his new diet book. I bought it, and followed the diet plan. I lost two pounds, then gained them back. I did however see my stomach get flatter than it's ever been since having the kids.
Not seeing any weight loss, I soon gave up that diet. Oh, one note, while on this diet, all my PMS symptoms disappeared. I had none of the usual bloating, breast tenderness, moodiness, loss of energy or cramps. My period always announced it's coming arrival with two weeks of all the previously mentioned symptoms. On this diet, I was actually shocked one day upon wiping (sorry for the visual) that my cycle had begun.
In early November, I decided to visit my doctor. Perhaps there was a medical condition keeping me from losing weight. Researching on the Internet, I'd learned that sometimes if your thyroid isn't functioning properly, it can't inhibit weight loss through conventional means. I couldn't see my Dr., but I saw the Nurse Practitioner. All she did was give me a long speech about the weight loss program she in conjunction with a Dr. offering. It would cost me $50 a week. Um, hello. I can't afford that. I told her so, but she still kept up the spiel. I was ticked off that I came to the Dr's office for some guidance and all I get is crummy commercial. Son of a bitch. (hey, can you guess the reference?) The NP finally ordered blood tests.
My blood work came back with my blood glucose being borderline. This means it was 1 point under what is considered "diabetic". Another test was ordered, that gives a three month blood sugar average, but this came back fine. My blood tests showed I was fine. Just little things like my HDL was a little on the low side, and my Vitamin B levels were on the low end of the scale. Because I showed up for my appt a day early (duh on my part!) the office squeezed me in and I was again with the Nurse Practitioner. (Damn!) She recommended I pick up a vitamin package she offers to her weight loss patients. Disappointed, but desperate I bought the stupid thing. Thirty dollars later, I had a bag full of vitamins: Chromium, Co Q 10, Magnesium, sub lingual B drops, alpha lipoic acid, and a multi vitamin. I started taking them. I did notice I felt energetic, and less droopy in the afternoon. No weight loss, however.
A few weeks ago on the Internet again looking for some help, I came across a book describing people having difficulty losing weight even "if they are doing all the right things". Well, that caught my interest. I looked for the book at my local library, but they didn't' have a copy. They did have another book, "Syndrome X that was on the same topic. I borrowed the copy. It has two plans which are basically no sugar/little carb, and no sugar/no carb. The main difference is that it is a "low-fat" version of no carbs. The book also stresses eating the right kind of fats like olive oil, walnuts and almonds. By carbs I refer to whole wheat bread, brown rice and starchy vegetables. Reading the book I identified with much of what it said. I was the type of person to load on bread type foods when I bothered to eat. Bagels, bread, crackers, pizza and pretzels are my favorite. I usually did not choose protein in my meals. In the past I'd had success (8 pounds in two weeks )losing weight on the Somercize diet plan which is somewhat similar to Syndrome X plan. I'm happy to say the first week I lost two pounds. However this is now week three, and I have not lost any other weight. My PMS symptoms have returned (?) and I am losing my resolve.
This weight issue combined with other stuff is making me feel just awful. I hate being fat, and I hate that I'm trying and nothing seems to work. I know that I should be exercising in conjunction with eating well, but I can't just seem to get myself motivated. I sit at home, moping and hiding. (This next sentence is so stupid) Do you know one of the reasons I don't go to the gym? I have nothing to wear that I like. That's right, I hate the way I look in my one workout outfit. It's a sleeveless shirt and shorts. I hate that it shows my jiggly wiggly arms, and my pudgy legs. I've tried to find an outfit I feel comfortable in, but everything I see makes me look fat. Umm yes I know I'm fat, but I keep hoping I'll find that one outfit that will make me look less fat. (it's OK you can laugh at me) I'm aware at how foolish this all sounds. People do not go to the gym to look cute, well maybe some do, but most are there to lose weight. Somehow I need to find the strength to overcome this. I feel powerless, and that is a feeling that doesn't sit well with me, but I can't seem to stop it.
In the spring, my grandparents came to visit. I felt a little embarrassed by what I looked like, but I brushed it off. During the course of their visit lots, and lots of pictures were taken. After they left, I got a chance to see them, what a shock! I was horrified to see what I looked like. I guess I was fooling myself that I really looked OK, but my face was puffy, my stomach (never a problem spot for me) was huge. You'd think I'd have a clue as my pants were very difficult to button, but I ignored all the clues. My resolve was stronger than ever that I was going to lose these extra 30 pounds. At just over 5 feet, 165 pounds is an uncomfortable weight to be.
After seeing himself in those same pictures my husband decided to join me in my quest to lose weight. We decided to follow the Body for Life program. He started going to the gym daily, and in the process lost 18 pounds over the course of two months. I, however, did not lose any weight. Frustration does not even begin to convey what I felt. I tend to be negative, and this challenge was feeding my negativity.
I continued going to the gym daily, and while I did feel my clothes fitting better, the scale did not reflect any weight loss at all. I gave up on Body for Life, but still continued to watch what I ate. Meaning no candy, cakes, cookies and no white wheat products. On Oprah I saw Dr Oz talking about his new diet book. I bought it, and followed the diet plan. I lost two pounds, then gained them back. I did however see my stomach get flatter than it's ever been since having the kids.
Not seeing any weight loss, I soon gave up that diet. Oh, one note, while on this diet, all my PMS symptoms disappeared. I had none of the usual bloating, breast tenderness, moodiness, loss of energy or cramps. My period always announced it's coming arrival with two weeks of all the previously mentioned symptoms. On this diet, I was actually shocked one day upon wiping (sorry for the visual) that my cycle had begun.
In early November, I decided to visit my doctor. Perhaps there was a medical condition keeping me from losing weight. Researching on the Internet, I'd learned that sometimes if your thyroid isn't functioning properly, it can't inhibit weight loss through conventional means. I couldn't see my Dr., but I saw the Nurse Practitioner. All she did was give me a long speech about the weight loss program she in conjunction with a Dr. offering. It would cost me $50 a week. Um, hello. I can't afford that. I told her so, but she still kept up the spiel. I was ticked off that I came to the Dr's office for some guidance and all I get is crummy commercial. Son of a bitch. (hey, can you guess the reference?) The NP finally ordered blood tests.
My blood work came back with my blood glucose being borderline. This means it was 1 point under what is considered "diabetic". Another test was ordered, that gives a three month blood sugar average, but this came back fine. My blood tests showed I was fine. Just little things like my HDL was a little on the low side, and my Vitamin B levels were on the low end of the scale. Because I showed up for my appt a day early (duh on my part!) the office squeezed me in and I was again with the Nurse Practitioner. (Damn!) She recommended I pick up a vitamin package she offers to her weight loss patients. Disappointed, but desperate I bought the stupid thing. Thirty dollars later, I had a bag full of vitamins: Chromium, Co Q 10, Magnesium, sub lingual B drops, alpha lipoic acid, and a multi vitamin. I started taking them. I did notice I felt energetic, and less droopy in the afternoon. No weight loss, however.
A few weeks ago on the Internet again looking for some help, I came across a book describing people having difficulty losing weight even "if they are doing all the right things". Well, that caught my interest. I looked for the book at my local library, but they didn't' have a copy. They did have another book, "Syndrome X that was on the same topic. I borrowed the copy. It has two plans which are basically no sugar/little carb, and no sugar/no carb. The main difference is that it is a "low-fat" version of no carbs. The book also stresses eating the right kind of fats like olive oil, walnuts and almonds. By carbs I refer to whole wheat bread, brown rice and starchy vegetables. Reading the book I identified with much of what it said. I was the type of person to load on bread type foods when I bothered to eat. Bagels, bread, crackers, pizza and pretzels are my favorite. I usually did not choose protein in my meals. In the past I'd had success (8 pounds in two weeks )losing weight on the Somercize diet plan which is somewhat similar to Syndrome X plan. I'm happy to say the first week I lost two pounds. However this is now week three, and I have not lost any other weight. My PMS symptoms have returned (?) and I am losing my resolve.
This weight issue combined with other stuff is making me feel just awful. I hate being fat, and I hate that I'm trying and nothing seems to work. I know that I should be exercising in conjunction with eating well, but I can't just seem to get myself motivated. I sit at home, moping and hiding. (This next sentence is so stupid) Do you know one of the reasons I don't go to the gym? I have nothing to wear that I like. That's right, I hate the way I look in my one workout outfit. It's a sleeveless shirt and shorts. I hate that it shows my jiggly wiggly arms, and my pudgy legs. I've tried to find an outfit I feel comfortable in, but everything I see makes me look fat. Umm yes I know I'm fat, but I keep hoping I'll find that one outfit that will make me look less fat. (it's OK you can laugh at me) I'm aware at how foolish this all sounds. People do not go to the gym to look cute, well maybe some do, but most are there to lose weight. Somehow I need to find the strength to overcome this. I feel powerless, and that is a feeling that doesn't sit well with me, but I can't seem to stop it.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
I am frustrated
Let me take a minute and breathe. I planned on writing a post about how I've been doing lately. How I had been so down in the dumps, that I couldn' t see the light. I was planning to vent on how I've been dieting, but have only lost 2 pounds. However, blogger in their wisdom decided to throw me a huge monkey wrench. I've just spent the last half an hour trying to unravel the mess I created when I switched from the old blogger to the "new" google account. I was beginning to think I had lost my blog forever, when low and behold it logged me in. Seems that I typed in my email address wrong and so blogger wouldn't recognize (of course!) when I typed it in correctly. Shame on me. I don't usually use this email, but for some unknown reason used it, when I switched. Argh. I think I've cleared up the whole mess. I'm almost afraid to log out. Well enough about my brain burp. Now I shall write what I planned.
I have been so depressed lately. I just can't seem to shake this sadness. I know that part of my funk is that this semester I'm not in school. I thought I'd be bored, but I really looked forward to the break. My plan was to throw myself into the little projects I've been meaning to do, like clean out the closets, organize the kitchen etc. Instead I find myself trying to justify why I'm not working. My husband has been putting the pressure on me to work. He'd be satisfied if I only worked part time. I've been looking for over a year, but it's been tough to find a job that accomodates my available hours. Most of the part time listings I've seen want someone during the late morning until late afternoon. My kids are out of school @ 2:15p.m. If I put them in daycare it will eat up my earnings for sure. (average salary is about $9.00 per hour) Daycare is $80.00 a week per kid. ($80.00 times 2 kids = $160.00)That still leaves my oldest coming home to an empty house. I don't feel comfortable with that.
On the flip side if I go to work full-time I still need to put the kids in daycare and my oldest comes home alone. I've thought of asking some other moms I know if they would consider babysitting. One is going through a difficult time (her mom has cancer), one just had her fifth child, and the other mom works afterschool. I do know one more mom, but her oldest daughter has emotional difficulties . She has her plate full. That's the total number of people I know well enough to ask. I hate feeling this way. I feel stuck. Guilty for being home, and worried sick about how we're going to meet our expenses this year.
Stay tuned....the saga will continue
I have been so depressed lately. I just can't seem to shake this sadness. I know that part of my funk is that this semester I'm not in school. I thought I'd be bored, but I really looked forward to the break. My plan was to throw myself into the little projects I've been meaning to do, like clean out the closets, organize the kitchen etc. Instead I find myself trying to justify why I'm not working. My husband has been putting the pressure on me to work. He'd be satisfied if I only worked part time. I've been looking for over a year, but it's been tough to find a job that accomodates my available hours. Most of the part time listings I've seen want someone during the late morning until late afternoon. My kids are out of school @ 2:15p.m. If I put them in daycare it will eat up my earnings for sure. (average salary is about $9.00 per hour) Daycare is $80.00 a week per kid. ($80.00 times 2 kids = $160.00)That still leaves my oldest coming home to an empty house. I don't feel comfortable with that.
On the flip side if I go to work full-time I still need to put the kids in daycare and my oldest comes home alone. I've thought of asking some other moms I know if they would consider babysitting. One is going through a difficult time (her mom has cancer), one just had her fifth child, and the other mom works afterschool. I do know one more mom, but her oldest daughter has emotional difficulties . She has her plate full. That's the total number of people I know well enough to ask. I hate feeling this way. I feel stuck. Guilty for being home, and worried sick about how we're going to meet our expenses this year.
Stay tuned....the saga will continue
Friday, January 12, 2007
I don't like change
I've been in a panic the last several days, because I though I had lost my blog. It seems that on my last log in to blogger, I changed over to the new google format. I changed my user id and password. I thought it would be easier to make changes, and add new features to the blog. Well, I don't know what happened, but for the past week I've not been able to log in. Imagine my panic, I know I don't blog regularly, nor do I have a "following", but this blog is really important to me. I kept clicking the "lost password" link, where I would enter my email address. I'd then get one of those annoying verification screens. I followed the prompts, only to get a message stating Google could not find an account. I went round and round on this merry go round for days. I gave up in frustration. Finally this morning I tried once more. After a few times of getting the same nonsense I was finally FINALLY able to log in. I can't tell you what I did different. It just worked this time. Thank god.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Hello 2007
I love Christmas. Wait, correction, when I was younger , I loved Christmas. I loved the idea of families coming together, and parents running around to find the perfect gift for their dear children. I wanted someone to do that for me, which of course back to reality, no one ever did. When my kids were very young, it was relatively easy to make christmas a wonderful, spectacular time of year. I could have given them an empty box, as long as it was wrapped up, they loved it. ( I swear I never gave them an empty box!) Now they are older, and can compare that," Hey we don't have very much money." It causes some insecurity with me, but I balance it with the fact that I rather the kids have a realistic view of our financial situation, than a false one. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I cannot afford, nor will I go into debt to give my pre-teen a nano i-pod, or my oldest a nintendo Wii. They'll live.
This year I concentrated on vanishing all my childhood holiday memories( can you guess they were unhappy?), and focused on giving my kids happy memories, not picture perfect just happy. Guess what? I'm pretty sure I did. However, believe me when I say, "Thank goodness the Holidays are over." Until next year that is. This year, as every year, I vow to be better prepared. I vow that I will shop all year long, instead of one frenzied panicked marathon between thanksgiving, and the day before christmas. And this year I doubt I will. It just makes me feel better to say that I will.
Happy New Year. Hey, I can still say it. It's only the fourth day of 2007.
This year I concentrated on vanishing all my childhood holiday memories( can you guess they were unhappy?), and focused on giving my kids happy memories, not picture perfect just happy. Guess what? I'm pretty sure I did. However, believe me when I say, "Thank goodness the Holidays are over." Until next year that is. This year, as every year, I vow to be better prepared. I vow that I will shop all year long, instead of one frenzied panicked marathon between thanksgiving, and the day before christmas. And this year I doubt I will. It just makes me feel better to say that I will.
Happy New Year. Hey, I can still say it. It's only the fourth day of 2007.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
It's been awhile
I've been avoiding writing posts. Not for any one particular reason, I've just been in a mood. With all the disappointments about school, some family stuff, and a dash of insecurities I've been in no mood to share my thoughts. When the going gets tough, I usually curl into myself, and go on automatic pilot. Let's just say, I've been cruising for more than a couple of weeks. I've actually been writing, but just not posting them. Here is one of them.
I was at my daughter's girl scout meeting, chatting with her troop leader. I don't know this person very well. She's friendly enough, and recently she shared with me a lesson she had been forced to give her daughter. (her words) Her daughter was not doing well in one of her classes, and had received a "D". Upon conferencing with the teacher, the troop leader discovered the reason her daughter had received such a poor grade was that the daughter wasn't doing her homwork. The troop leader then decided to "teach" her daughter if she gave the minimum in life she (the daughter) would receive the minimum back. The daughter wanted to go shopping at the mall for new clothes. Her Mom told her if you want "new" clothes we will go shopping at the consignment shop..."you give me minimum, I give you minimum.", she proudly proclaimed. Troop leader then went on to say that her family made a point of the entire weekend to give examples of minimum begetting minimum to the daughter. One she shared with me: it was people living in a trailer park.
I smiled at her,but in the pit of my gut, there was a fire burst of anger. However, I couldn't pinpoint it. Her story bothered me, but at the moment, I just couldn't articulate why.
The troop leader's story stuck with me all day. That evening as I lay quietly soaking in a stingly hot bath it finally dawned on me why the story bothered me. Wait,it didn't just bother me, it offended me. The prickles of anger stung my insides as I replayed in my head how the conversation should have gone. I should have told her, "I think you did your daughter a disservice. Instead of teaching her her to demean those individuals that aren't as fortunate as she is. You should tell her she ought to be grateful she has the opportunity to pursue an education, live in a nice house, shop at the mall and eat."
Why did it offend me? My insides twisted with anger as I remembered my grandparents. Both of whom left school before the 5th grade; my grandfather to cut sugar can and my grandmother to care for her siblings. School was not a priority, surviving was. I wanted to scream that my grandfather every year left his family from April to November, travelled to NJ where he lived in a dormitory style building, picking fruits and vegetables. Somehow he saved his money and brought his wife and three children to live in a 2 bedroom unit in a building built circa 1880. Four apts to a floor sharing one bathroom, which was located in the hall! A decade and a half later they hit paydirt, and were able to move int the NYC housing projects with it's own bathroom. My grandparents worked in factories, each working 10 hr days. They were grateful for those factory jobs. (Were they giving the minimum?)
My grandfather, now 86 years old shared with me a memory. Seems he was taking a class to learn english. His instructor told the class,"One of my students is very bright, he works all day, yet comes to class prepared, and is learning very quickly." Grandpa his eyes shiny and distant said,"She didn't mention any names, but everyone in class told me she was referring to me." As his mouth downturned with unintended, and unintentional regret he continued, "But in that time, there was no opportunity, only work."
That story pierced me. From it I take away a lesson that I hope I can impress upon my children. My grandfather didn't have a chance to learn, go to college or ponder what he wanted to do with his life. He just had to live it, the best way he could. This is why I(and my kids!) must take advantage of every opportunity to the very things my grandfather could not do. I will learn, dream and do.... because my grandfather never could. That's what troop leader should be teaching her daughter, that there are many who would love to be where her daughter is. She should cherish it.
I was at my daughter's girl scout meeting, chatting with her troop leader. I don't know this person very well. She's friendly enough, and recently she shared with me a lesson she had been forced to give her daughter. (her words) Her daughter was not doing well in one of her classes, and had received a "D". Upon conferencing with the teacher, the troop leader discovered the reason her daughter had received such a poor grade was that the daughter wasn't doing her homwork. The troop leader then decided to "teach" her daughter if she gave the minimum in life she (the daughter) would receive the minimum back. The daughter wanted to go shopping at the mall for new clothes. Her Mom told her if you want "new" clothes we will go shopping at the consignment shop..."you give me minimum, I give you minimum.", she proudly proclaimed. Troop leader then went on to say that her family made a point of the entire weekend to give examples of minimum begetting minimum to the daughter. One she shared with me: it was people living in a trailer park.
I smiled at her,but in the pit of my gut, there was a fire burst of anger. However, I couldn't pinpoint it. Her story bothered me, but at the moment, I just couldn't articulate why.
The troop leader's story stuck with me all day. That evening as I lay quietly soaking in a stingly hot bath it finally dawned on me why the story bothered me. Wait,it didn't just bother me, it offended me. The prickles of anger stung my insides as I replayed in my head how the conversation should have gone. I should have told her, "I think you did your daughter a disservice. Instead of teaching her her to demean those individuals that aren't as fortunate as she is. You should tell her she ought to be grateful she has the opportunity to pursue an education, live in a nice house, shop at the mall and eat."
Why did it offend me? My insides twisted with anger as I remembered my grandparents. Both of whom left school before the 5th grade; my grandfather to cut sugar can and my grandmother to care for her siblings. School was not a priority, surviving was. I wanted to scream that my grandfather every year left his family from April to November, travelled to NJ where he lived in a dormitory style building, picking fruits and vegetables. Somehow he saved his money and brought his wife and three children to live in a 2 bedroom unit in a building built circa 1880. Four apts to a floor sharing one bathroom, which was located in the hall! A decade and a half later they hit paydirt, and were able to move int the NYC housing projects with it's own bathroom. My grandparents worked in factories, each working 10 hr days. They were grateful for those factory jobs. (Were they giving the minimum?)
My grandfather, now 86 years old shared with me a memory. Seems he was taking a class to learn english. His instructor told the class,"One of my students is very bright, he works all day, yet comes to class prepared, and is learning very quickly." Grandpa his eyes shiny and distant said,"She didn't mention any names, but everyone in class told me she was referring to me." As his mouth downturned with unintended, and unintentional regret he continued, "But in that time, there was no opportunity, only work."
That story pierced me. From it I take away a lesson that I hope I can impress upon my children. My grandfather didn't have a chance to learn, go to college or ponder what he wanted to do with his life. He just had to live it, the best way he could. This is why I(and my kids!) must take advantage of every opportunity to the very things my grandfather could not do. I will learn, dream and do.... because my grandfather never could. That's what troop leader should be teaching her daughter, that there are many who would love to be where her daughter is. She should cherish it.
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